


What the heart wants

by IndigoStarblaster



Category: Star Wars Original Trilogy
Genre: M/M, The fandom lives here, Worst Fanfic Ever, filling my own prompt, total crack fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-11
Updated: 2013-03-11
Packaged: 2017-12-04 22:41:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,010
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/715906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IndigoStarblaster/pseuds/IndigoStarblaster
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For some reason, a couple nights ago, my 4-year-old was marching around the family room chanting, “Jabba Fett! Jabba Fett!”</p>
<p>Me: “I thought his name was ‘Jabba the Hutt’?”</p>
<p>9-year-old: “Maybe Jabba the Hutt and Boba Fett got married?”</p>
<p>Me: “That sounds like the worst. Fanfic. Ever.”</p>
<p>And then the idea just wouldn't leave me alone...</p>
            </blockquote>





	What the heart wants

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not going to let my children read this, but it shouldn't be too icky for grownups. Thanks to Rebecca as always for encouraging/enabling my participation in the fandom!

The sand barge was a-rockin', because Jabba was getting married. Again.

Jabba the Hutt, being the vile intergalactic gangster/crime boss/de facto potentate that he was, had many consorts and concubines, of many different species. He was particularly partial to humanoids. Something about the angularity of their form, the utter _wrongness_ of bone encased in flesh, both disgusted and excited him. When that bone encased in flesh was further encased in a metal shell of armour that never, ever came off, at least not in his presence... Well.

Jabba had not gotten to where he was by denying himself, and he wasn't about to start now.

"Dahmo..." Jabba rumbled.

Bib Fortuna, his trusted right hand man of many years' service, stepped forward from the shadows just behind Jabba. "Your Excellency."

"Gawatha bothi Fett."

Fortuna inclined his head respectfully. "His reputation is excellent. Boba Fett is acknowledged to be one of the most skillful bounty hunters in the galaxy."

"Gawatha pati."

Fortuna had been in Jabba's service a long time. Being asked to assess the bounty hunter's...personal...qualities did not faze him. "Competence is attractive to many people. As are...limbs." Fortuna was also quite familiar with his master's preferences.

Jabba chuckled in agreement, tongue protruding from his mouth, which was stretched wide in a lascivious grin. "Mah jiza."

Fortuna lowered his eyes, spoke carefully. One contradicted a Hutt at one's own peril. On the other hand, bounty hunters were known to have strong opinions of their own, that one also ignored at one's peril. "I do not think a slave marriage would suit Master Fett." Especially since the terms would bind the bounty hunter to obedience in all matters until his death or Jabba's displeasure, which generally amounted to the same thing. "Perhaps if you were to make a more time-limited offer...?"

Jabba rumbled thoughtfully for a moment. "Zhoda," he said finally.

Fortuna bowed, then made his way through the crowd, careful to touch no one. Jabba liked gambling, dancing girls and torture, liked to enjoy all three in the company of villainous scum like himself. More than one of Jabba's staff had inadvertently drawn attention to himself at the wrong time and been made part of the entertainment. Boba Fett was seated near the dancing cage, legs sprawled out and his custom-made blaster propped casually next to him. The helmet was on and the faceplate was utterly opaque, as always, but Fortuna could sense that Fett was watching him approach. Fortuna stopped a few feet away. "His Excellency would like to discuss a proposal."

Boba Fett hefted up his blaster, stood, followed Fortuna back to Jabba's dais, spoke as soon as they were in front of Jabba. "You have something for me?" The bounty hunter's voice was rough, metallic.

"Boba Fett." Jabba lingered over the name. "Gawatha mah jazi."

The bounty hunter tensed. "You have got to be fucking kidding me." He turned to go.

"Fifty thousand credits," Fortuna said softly. Boba Fett tensed even more, but turned back. "As His Excellency's dowry. More than generous for a term marriage, yes?"

Silence. Then, "What terms?"

"Duration of three _gahn_ cycles. Presumption of the social equality of the partners." Huttese superiority was of course both a biological and political fact, but Jabba could be both passionate and generous, at least in the courtship phase. "All property ownership -- with the exception of the dowry, of course -- unaffected by the marriage. Both parties walk away at the end of three _gahn_ physically unharmed."

The bounty hunter crossed his arms. "No fucking."

"Agreed." Hutts were hermaphroditic self-fertilizers, and completely lacked the penetrative impulse.

"I'm not taking off the armour."

Given that was part of the attraction..."Naturally not."

Another pause. "Agreed."

Jabba growled with satisfaction. Fortuna discreetly gestured Boba Fett closer to the dais, until the two of them faced one another, one of Jabba's stubby arms extended so he could grasp Fett's gauntleted fist in his own pulpy hand. A frisson went through Jabba at the feel of metal over flesh over bone, and his eyes half-closed with pleasure as he spoke the traditional words, acting as both officiant and participant, as befitted a potentate. "Zum Jabba ta mah jazi lamzi hon dajunfu Boba Fett. Boba Fett ta mah jazi Jabba?"

Boba Fett's metallic voice was flat and uninflected, as always. "I do."

"Zhoda." It was done.

Fortuna gestured the band to silence, then stepped to the microphone. Jabba's entourage of villainous scum looked up, both peeved at having their carousing interrupted, and piqued as to what greater diversion this interruption signalled. "This illustrious gathering has the honour of being the first to congratulate His Excellency, the mighty and powerful Jabba the Hutt, ruler of worlds, and the noble mercenary Boba Fett, on the occasion of their term marriage!"

A drunken cheer went up, accompanied by leers of envy. A royal marriage was no small thing; even a former consort of a Hutt possessed influence and power beyond most of their dreams. "Toast! Toast!" Jabba gestured for libations to be distributed and for Fortuna to do the honours.

Fortuna stepped to the microphone again. "To His Excellency and Master Fett: may the next six hours comprising the term of your marriage be among your happiest!" Again the crowd cheered, drained their goblets, started clanking them with their hand weapons.

Jabba and Boba Fett were still facing each other, holding hands. Jabba leaned forward. His large tongue came out and swiped the whole of Fett's faceplate in a very wet kiss. A third cheer went up, even louder than the ones that went before, and the band struck up a raunchy and salacious dance number. Boba Fett, for his part, neither drew back nor drew his weapon. Instead, he seemed content to settle himself against Jabba, in it for the long haul (or at least until the end of the agreed term). He didn't even flinch when Jabba started caressing his armoured leg with the attention of a being too long denied his passion.

Fortuna sniffled. He always cried at weddings.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for actually reading this. Hope you enjoyed it :)


End file.
